So your kid just screamed, "I HATE YOU" in the middle of a restaurant. Or you're desperately trying to put the child to bed for the ninth time of the night and he is wailing profusely about being afraid. What about the kid that just mutters, "you're mean" or "that's not fair" as she stomp out of the room? Or the child who insists that school is too scary? What are we, as parent, to do with such statements?
In truth, most of it needs to be forgiven and/or dismissed. We must learn to neutralize, not engage.
Myth: What my child says when angry or scared must be true.
Fact: People will say all sorts of things when they are full of emotion.
Remember, part of raising a Montessori child is that key component of innately respecting them as human beings. Yes, they are young children, but they are still people with the full range of emotions and needs of grown-ups yet with fewer of the necessary tools. If we, with all of our adult logic and coping skills still say things we don't always mean when we are upset or afraid, how much more true is this of our children?
Parents need to learn to neutralize (not engage in) a child's arguing, especially when the child is angry. Certainly we should not respond to things they say when angry. There are several Love and Logic phrases parents can use when dealing with an angry child:
- You seem upset. Let's talk again when you are calmer.
- I listen to people who don't shout at me.
- I'll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.
- I'll be glad to discuss this when respect is shown.
- I'll be glad to discuss this with you as soon as your arguing stops.
- You are welcome to stay in the room with us when you give up that behavior.
- I love you too much to continue arguing about this. I am done talking.
It can be trickier to deal with a child who is scared. As parents, our heart strings are really tugged when we see our child struggling with fear. Still, it is best for children if we address their fears in a factual, understanding way without becoming emotionally involved, the goal, again, being to neutralize (not engage in) the child's fears. Parents need to defuse a fear-based problem by not making a big deal about it. Some useful phrases are:
- I love you and would never willingly put you in a dangerous situation. You can trust me.
- It's so sad that you're scared, but I know you will be fine.
- I would hate for you to miss out on fun things because of your fear, but that's your choice.
Overall, successfully navigating a child's emotional outburst of anger or fear hinges on remembering that people (of all ages) say all kinds of things when they are upset. Just because our child says something does not make it true. In anger or fear, children will use an innate tool to try to make the situation better in their mind. This innate tool is manipulating the adults in their lives with their words. But we are constantly reinforcing life lessons for our children and we want them to learn to use other, more effective tools so it is paramount that we neutralize rather than engage. We want the overriding message in every situation, even those tinged with anger or fear, to be one of telling them that we believe in them to make good choices and that they are going to be okay.
