Turn It Off

I've labored over the idea of writing about screen time for a while, but I've honestly been very worried about how it would be received. Then suddenly the courage came to me in this form: there has been much research done and many articles written documenting that the amount of screen time children are exposed to should be limited. I don't need to rewrite all that information. And if you've ignored all that research and all those articles, you're going to ignore this - not be upset that I wrote it.

This post is for the rest of you who are looking for ideas somewhere along the spectrum of when and how to limit your child's screen time in a way that suits and works for your family. It's not a mandate, it's a launching point for you to initiate change or to share what changes you've made.

First, let's clarify. This isn't just about television. As technology advances, we must continue to refine what is and isn't a good use of our time. So we've adopted the term screen time to represent just that - time spent using anything that has a screen including televisions, computers, cell phones, video games, iPods, iPads, etc.

Let's start with where we can assume a good portion of your child's time goes. If you're reading this it is likely your child is a student at FSMS, spending at least seven hours a day with us and, depending on age, sleeping approximately eight to ten hours a night. That leaves around nine hours each weekday filled with various other activities such as chores, extra curriculars, civic or religious duties, and, of course, screen time.

Despite what I said earlier, I must reiterate all the research that proves how passive screen time can be. And don't delude yourself; playing a video game or games on your iPhone isn't educational for your child no matter what you think - at least not in the Montessori sense of "educational" where the child is responsible for constructing new knowledge for himself by actively doing something. Anything involving a screen is a passive activity - yes, even the Wii or Xbox Kinect. (Now's your chance to google "too much screen time children" and surf some of that research.) Once we agree that screen time is a passive waste of time, the question most of us face is "so what do we do?" My answer is simple - turn it off. But here's where the "what works for our family" question comes in to play as well.

I know of two families who have no televisions in their houses. At all. Um...well although that may work for them, it would never work for me. I love football. And my husband is on the news a lot and I think he's cute and like to see him when he is. And I have five kids and sometimes, (just sometimes) it's nice to put in a movie and say "be still and quiet and know that I am Mom." So although that works for them, it wouldn't work for us. But it's certainly an option you could consider. Are you television addicts? Maybe like drug addicts, you need to go cold turkey. I don't know, I'm not you. But it's an option.

I know another family that does T.V. Free Tuesdays. This night of the week is reserved for board games and reading and cooking together. They purposefully set aside one night a week to say "we are going to be together and aware of each other and develop our relationships." I love this. Maybe it would be enough for you. It's another option.

Our family is screen free Monday through Friday. We've been doing this since August. The children are not allowed to play video games, watch television, be on her (12 year old only) cell phone, play with iPods, or play on the computer at all until after 6pm on Friday evening. Friday evenings usually consist of family movie night and nachos or homemade pizza. "Technically" our kids can do screen things on Saturdays but most Saturdays we can be found in the woods hiking, so it's a natural limit. Sunday afternoon is the most common time to catch my kids watching television and that's usually at Gram's house because she has cable (we just have an antenna and get six channels) and they get their fix of Disney Channel for the week. What I've noticed with these boundaries in place is that even when given the chance, my kids are a thousand times more likely to say "can we play outside" or "will you play Go Fish with me" than they ever were before we went screen free for portions of the week. And the imaginary things my kids can now create with Lego's amaze me when before they were most likely to spout the phrase "I'm bored" at me when told to go play. Our screen free time has allowed them the opportunity to relearn how to play and be active. They climb trees. They chase birds. They build forts. They ride bikes and skateboards, and play baseball. They found a rabbit nest (awesome) and then found a book on our bookshelf about animals so they could learn more about how and why rabbits build nests.

Our "screens in the car" rule is three hours. If we're going to be in the car for longer than three hours they can take their games and iPods. If we're going to be in the car less than three hours, too bad, because we'll be playing the license plate game or the ABC game or singing or playing I Spy or practicing being still and quiet (and knowing that I am Mom). The car is a great time for conversation. They're trapped. I force them to talk to me. I try very hard not to waste these precious moments letting them watch a video or play a game.

The hard part about what we chose to do (what works for us) was modeling this behavior. Before we went screen free I loved to unwind by watching Jeopardy and then the 5 O'clock News. I can't do that anymore. Now I have to wait for the 10 O'clock News (long past the kids going to bed) to see my cute husband (on television, that is). I was always texting or checking Facebook on my phone. I can't do that anymore. Now if you send me a message between the hours of 4pm and 8pm you're less likely to get a response. I had to give up watching some of my favorite television shows. But just as I've seen changes in my children, I've seen more changes in myself. I'm more present with my family. I'm "fully present" so to speak. What I've learned about myself is that I'm doing a good work with my family - shaping the next generation and impacting the world. I can't do that well if I spend my life watching reruns or wasting time on social media. I've also learned to cherish the quiet. Now, when the television is on, it seems so loud and noisy. I prefer the quiet nights where the littles (that's the four kids under the age of nine) are all in bed by 8pm and the quasi big (the 12 year old) and Steven and I sit and read and she will quietly say "Mom, what does this word mean?" I love that.

So I've given you three examples of limiting screen time and they fall all along the spectrum of choices you could make.

Here's my question - what have you done to limit screen time for your family or what are you thinking about trying? I think we can start an important dialogue that will help our families find a fit that works for them and makes them stronger, better families. By being honest about what we do (even if it's admitting that sometimes we use the screens as babysitters) we can support and encourage one another on our journey along this path of parenthood.