The following acrostic poem was written by one of our sixth grade students and presented by our elementary after school care group at our Commitment to Peace Celebration held on September 11, 2012.
Peace is Possible
by Allison Ousley
Peace is possible, it's
Equality. It's everyone
All together, making a
Community
Enjoyable.
It takes love,
Sincerity and
Patience.
Out with
Selishness and hate.
Show some
Integrity and kindness.
Believing is all it takes.
Leaning on the hope that
Everyone can find peace within.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
My Best Teacher Ever
This essay, written by a former Montessori student, was submitted to our alumni update email. Congratulations, Mrs. Clayton, on this honor. You can truly tell how much Paxton learned from her and we are honored to have her working with our children.
Mrs. Jo Clayton was my teacher for both 4th to 5th grade. She taught me for two years simply because the school I attended had an extremely small amount of students, and therefore abnormally few teachers. Fort Smith Montessori, the school I attended, is not even ten percent of the size of Chaffin. This woman taught me all of the fundamentals for every subject, and also how to study properly. The best teacher I have ever had would undoubtedly, hands down, be Mrs. Clayton.
The deciding factor whether a student likes a teacher or not is if the subjects being taught are fun and interactive. Her class offered quite a bit of freedom, and although there were only five kids in my class, I still had an amazing time. One Friday, as a reward for having good behavior each month, she let us make a fort out of blankets! We could always talk with our peers as long as we finished our work. In keeping with the well-known Montessori teaching method, we did not have assigned desks and could freely walk around the room to do our work. I loved this element of freedom in the classroom because if I found myself sitting next to somebody I did not get along with well, I could simply get up and move somewhere else in the room.
Additionally, Ms. Clayton’s teaching style had an extremely unique twist to it, unlike any other teacher. She taught us in a hands-on manner; consequently, she was able to more easily capture her student’s imagination. For each week, she would give us a set of “works”, and we had to take the initiative to plan and decide when and in what order to complete them. This teaching strategy taught us how to plan our work, control our schedules properly, be organized, and use our time wisely. Mrs. Clayton knew us all extremely well because she talked to our parents, and to us, about personal matters. The fact that she knew us all individually helped her to teach us better because she knew how we learned and how to actually hold our attention. We had undeniably interesting power point projects and research papers which we worked on for an entire semester. We worked on these projects as teams, and the older kids helped the younger kids with creative ideas. For example, we were assigned a project on a specific country and my team chose Egypt. Throughout the semester we displayed various aspects of Egyptian life. We brought examples of Egyptian food, clothing, music, religion, and weapons. These were vivid examples that allowed us to learn about our country much better than just writing a paper about it.
Although she allowed us to have fun, she was also pretty strict and always required us to apply ourselves. She would discipline us by making us write sentences for saying mean things or acting out. Sometimes we would even have to clean the toilets! I used to be a rowdy kid and seemed to get into trouble a lot. Sometimes I would have to write so much it felt like my hand was going to fall off. She gave us little room for error on our work, but would always help us if we asked for it.
Overall, Mrs. Clayton places as my number one teacher in the way she could hold a student’s attention and develop their learning skills. She just understood me and was generally amazing, knowing the way that kids worked and how to teach them in both a fun and helpful way. I cannot thank Mrs. Clayton enough for encouraging me and giving me confidence in myself, and I will never forget her diverse way of teaching. It is true a teacher can impact a student’s life in so many ways, and Mrs. Clayton certainly made a strong impression on mine.
Mrs. Jo Clayton was my teacher for both 4th to 5th grade. She taught me for two years simply because the school I attended had an extremely small amount of students, and therefore abnormally few teachers. Fort Smith Montessori, the school I attended, is not even ten percent of the size of Chaffin. This woman taught me all of the fundamentals for every subject, and also how to study properly. The best teacher I have ever had would undoubtedly, hands down, be Mrs. Clayton.
The deciding factor whether a student likes a teacher or not is if the subjects being taught are fun and interactive. Her class offered quite a bit of freedom, and although there were only five kids in my class, I still had an amazing time. One Friday, as a reward for having good behavior each month, she let us make a fort out of blankets! We could always talk with our peers as long as we finished our work. In keeping with the well-known Montessori teaching method, we did not have assigned desks and could freely walk around the room to do our work. I loved this element of freedom in the classroom because if I found myself sitting next to somebody I did not get along with well, I could simply get up and move somewhere else in the room.
Additionally, Ms. Clayton’s teaching style had an extremely unique twist to it, unlike any other teacher. She taught us in a hands-on manner; consequently, she was able to more easily capture her student’s imagination. For each week, she would give us a set of “works”, and we had to take the initiative to plan and decide when and in what order to complete them. This teaching strategy taught us how to plan our work, control our schedules properly, be organized, and use our time wisely. Mrs. Clayton knew us all extremely well because she talked to our parents, and to us, about personal matters. The fact that she knew us all individually helped her to teach us better because she knew how we learned and how to actually hold our attention. We had undeniably interesting power point projects and research papers which we worked on for an entire semester. We worked on these projects as teams, and the older kids helped the younger kids with creative ideas. For example, we were assigned a project on a specific country and my team chose Egypt. Throughout the semester we displayed various aspects of Egyptian life. We brought examples of Egyptian food, clothing, music, religion, and weapons. These were vivid examples that allowed us to learn about our country much better than just writing a paper about it.
Although she allowed us to have fun, she was also pretty strict and always required us to apply ourselves. She would discipline us by making us write sentences for saying mean things or acting out. Sometimes we would even have to clean the toilets! I used to be a rowdy kid and seemed to get into trouble a lot. Sometimes I would have to write so much it felt like my hand was going to fall off. She gave us little room for error on our work, but would always help us if we asked for it.
Overall, Mrs. Clayton places as my number one teacher in the way she could hold a student’s attention and develop their learning skills. She just understood me and was generally amazing, knowing the way that kids worked and how to teach them in both a fun and helpful way. I cannot thank Mrs. Clayton enough for encouraging me and giving me confidence in myself, and I will never forget her diverse way of teaching. It is true a teacher can impact a student’s life in so many ways, and Mrs. Clayton certainly made a strong impression on mine.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Stop Stealing Dreams - What is School For?
The link below will take you to a manifesto written by Seth Godin. I know most of you won't read much of it (it's 30,000 words and 191 pages), but it embodies a lot of what many of you already innately know about traditional schools and why you choose Montessori, although his ideologies are not specifically about Montessori schools. Without trying to make this about anything other than what it is, I defer to Seth's own words:
"The economy has changed, probably forever. School hasn't. School was invented to create a constant stream of compliant factory workers to the growing businesses of the 1900s. It continues to do an excellent job at achieving this goal, but it's not a goal we need to achieve any longer. In this 30,000 word manifesto, I imagine a different set of goals and start (I hope) a discussion about how we can reach them. One thing is certain: if we keep doing what we've been doing, we're going to keep getting what we've been getting. Our kids are too important to sacrifice to the status quo."
http://www.sethgodin.com/sg/docs/StopStealingDreamsSCREEN.pdf
"The economy has changed, probably forever. School hasn't. School was invented to create a constant stream of compliant factory workers to the growing businesses of the 1900s. It continues to do an excellent job at achieving this goal, but it's not a goal we need to achieve any longer. In this 30,000 word manifesto, I imagine a different set of goals and start (I hope) a discussion about how we can reach them. One thing is certain: if we keep doing what we've been doing, we're going to keep getting what we've been getting. Our kids are too important to sacrifice to the status quo."
http://www.sethgodin.com/sg/docs/StopStealingDreamsSCREEN.pdf
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Turn It Off
I've labored over the idea of writing about screen time for a while, but I've honestly been very worried about how it would be received. Then suddenly the courage came to me in this form: there has been much research done and many articles written documenting that the amount of screen time children are exposed to should be limited. I don't need to rewrite all that information. And if you've ignored all that research and all those articles, you're going to ignore this - not be upset that I wrote it.
This post is for the rest of you who are looking for ideas somewhere along the spectrum of when and how to limit your child's screen time in a way that suits and works for your family. It's not a mandate, it's a launching point for you to initiate change or to share what changes you've made.
First, let's clarify. This isn't just about television. As technology advances, we must continue to refine what is and isn't a good use of our time. So we've adopted the term screen time to represent just that - time spent using anything that has a screen including televisions, computers, cell phones, video games, iPods, iPads, etc.
Let's start with where we can assume a good portion of your child's time goes. If you're reading this it is likely your child is a student at FSMS, spending at least seven hours a day with us and, depending on age, sleeping approximately eight to ten hours a night. That leaves around nine hours each weekday filled with various other activities such as chores, extra curriculars, civic or religious duties, and, of course, screen time.
Despite what I said earlier, I must reiterate all the research that proves how passive screen time can be. And don't delude yourself; playing a video game or games on your iPhone isn't educational for your child no matter what you think - at least not in the Montessori sense of "educational" where the child is responsible for constructing new knowledge for himself by actively doing something. Anything involving a screen is a passive activity - yes, even the Wii or Xbox Kinect. (Now's your chance to google "too much screen time children" and surf some of that research.) Once we agree that screen time is a passive waste of time, the question most of us face is "so what do we do?" My answer is simple - turn it off. But here's where the "what works for our family" question comes in to play as well.
I know of two families who have no televisions in their houses. At all. Um...well although that may work for them, it would never work for me. I love football. And my husband is on the news a lot and I think he's cute and like to see him when he is. And I have five kids and sometimes, (just sometimes) it's nice to put in a movie and say "be still and quiet and know that I am Mom." So although that works for them, it wouldn't work for us. But it's certainly an option you could consider. Are you television addicts? Maybe like drug addicts, you need to go cold turkey. I don't know, I'm not you. But it's an option.
I know another family that does T.V. Free Tuesdays. This night of the week is reserved for board games and reading and cooking together. They purposefully set aside one night a week to say "we are going to be together and aware of each other and develop our relationships." I love this. Maybe it would be enough for you. It's another option.
Our family is screen free Monday through Friday. We've been doing this since August. The children are not allowed to play video games, watch television, be on her (12 year old only) cell phone, play with iPods, or play on the computer at all until after 6pm on Friday evening. Friday evenings usually consist of family movie night and nachos or homemade pizza. "Technically" our kids can do screen things on Saturdays but most Saturdays we can be found in the woods hiking, so it's a natural limit. Sunday afternoon is the most common time to catch my kids watching television and that's usually at Gram's house because she has cable (we just have an antenna and get six channels) and they get their fix of Disney Channel for the week. What I've noticed with these boundaries in place is that even when given the chance, my kids are a thousand times more likely to say "can we play outside" or "will you play Go Fish with me" than they ever were before we went screen free for portions of the week. And the imaginary things my kids can now create with Lego's amaze me when before they were most likely to spout the phrase "I'm bored" at me when told to go play. Our screen free time has allowed them the opportunity to relearn how to play and be active. They climb trees. They chase birds. They build forts. They ride bikes and skateboards, and play baseball. They found a rabbit nest (awesome) and then found a book on our bookshelf about animals so they could learn more about how and why rabbits build nests.
Our "screens in the car" rule is three hours. If we're going to be in the car for longer than three hours they can take their games and iPods. If we're going to be in the car less than three hours, too bad, because we'll be playing the license plate game or the ABC game or singing or playing I Spy or practicing being still and quiet (and knowing that I am Mom). The car is a great time for conversation. They're trapped. I force them to talk to me. I try very hard not to waste these precious moments letting them watch a video or play a game.
The hard part about what we chose to do (what works for us) was modeling this behavior. Before we went screen free I loved to unwind by watching Jeopardy and then the 5 O'clock News. I can't do that anymore. Now I have to wait for the 10 O'clock News (long past the kids going to bed) to see my cute husband (on television, that is). I was always texting or checking Facebook on my phone. I can't do that anymore. Now if you send me a message between the hours of 4pm and 8pm you're less likely to get a response. I had to give up watching some of my favorite television shows. But just as I've seen changes in my children, I've seen more changes in myself. I'm more present with my family. I'm "fully present" so to speak. What I've learned about myself is that I'm doing a good work with my family - shaping the next generation and impacting the world. I can't do that well if I spend my life watching reruns or wasting time on social media. I've also learned to cherish the quiet. Now, when the television is on, it seems so loud and noisy. I prefer the quiet nights where the littles (that's the four kids under the age of nine) are all in bed by 8pm and the quasi big (the 12 year old) and Steven and I sit and read and she will quietly say "Mom, what does this word mean?" I love that.
So I've given you three examples of limiting screen time and they fall all along the spectrum of choices you could make.
Here's my question - what have you done to limit screen time for your family or what are you thinking about trying? I think we can start an important dialogue that will help our families find a fit that works for them and makes them stronger, better families. By being honest about what we do (even if it's admitting that sometimes we use the screens as babysitters) we can support and encourage one another on our journey along this path of parenthood.
This post is for the rest of you who are looking for ideas somewhere along the spectrum of when and how to limit your child's screen time in a way that suits and works for your family. It's not a mandate, it's a launching point for you to initiate change or to share what changes you've made.
First, let's clarify. This isn't just about television. As technology advances, we must continue to refine what is and isn't a good use of our time. So we've adopted the term screen time to represent just that - time spent using anything that has a screen including televisions, computers, cell phones, video games, iPods, iPads, etc.
Let's start with where we can assume a good portion of your child's time goes. If you're reading this it is likely your child is a student at FSMS, spending at least seven hours a day with us and, depending on age, sleeping approximately eight to ten hours a night. That leaves around nine hours each weekday filled with various other activities such as chores, extra curriculars, civic or religious duties, and, of course, screen time.
Despite what I said earlier, I must reiterate all the research that proves how passive screen time can be. And don't delude yourself; playing a video game or games on your iPhone isn't educational for your child no matter what you think - at least not in the Montessori sense of "educational" where the child is responsible for constructing new knowledge for himself by actively doing something. Anything involving a screen is a passive activity - yes, even the Wii or Xbox Kinect. (Now's your chance to google "too much screen time children" and surf some of that research.) Once we agree that screen time is a passive waste of time, the question most of us face is "so what do we do?" My answer is simple - turn it off. But here's where the "what works for our family" question comes in to play as well.
I know of two families who have no televisions in their houses. At all. Um...well although that may work for them, it would never work for me. I love football. And my husband is on the news a lot and I think he's cute and like to see him when he is. And I have five kids and sometimes, (just sometimes) it's nice to put in a movie and say "be still and quiet and know that I am Mom." So although that works for them, it wouldn't work for us. But it's certainly an option you could consider. Are you television addicts? Maybe like drug addicts, you need to go cold turkey. I don't know, I'm not you. But it's an option.
I know another family that does T.V. Free Tuesdays. This night of the week is reserved for board games and reading and cooking together. They purposefully set aside one night a week to say "we are going to be together and aware of each other and develop our relationships." I love this. Maybe it would be enough for you. It's another option.
Our family is screen free Monday through Friday. We've been doing this since August. The children are not allowed to play video games, watch television, be on her (12 year old only) cell phone, play with iPods, or play on the computer at all until after 6pm on Friday evening. Friday evenings usually consist of family movie night and nachos or homemade pizza. "Technically" our kids can do screen things on Saturdays but most Saturdays we can be found in the woods hiking, so it's a natural limit. Sunday afternoon is the most common time to catch my kids watching television and that's usually at Gram's house because she has cable (we just have an antenna and get six channels) and they get their fix of Disney Channel for the week. What I've noticed with these boundaries in place is that even when given the chance, my kids are a thousand times more likely to say "can we play outside" or "will you play Go Fish with me" than they ever were before we went screen free for portions of the week. And the imaginary things my kids can now create with Lego's amaze me when before they were most likely to spout the phrase "I'm bored" at me when told to go play. Our screen free time has allowed them the opportunity to relearn how to play and be active. They climb trees. They chase birds. They build forts. They ride bikes and skateboards, and play baseball. They found a rabbit nest (awesome) and then found a book on our bookshelf about animals so they could learn more about how and why rabbits build nests.
Our "screens in the car" rule is three hours. If we're going to be in the car for longer than three hours they can take their games and iPods. If we're going to be in the car less than three hours, too bad, because we'll be playing the license plate game or the ABC game or singing or playing I Spy or practicing being still and quiet (and knowing that I am Mom). The car is a great time for conversation. They're trapped. I force them to talk to me. I try very hard not to waste these precious moments letting them watch a video or play a game.
The hard part about what we chose to do (what works for us) was modeling this behavior. Before we went screen free I loved to unwind by watching Jeopardy and then the 5 O'clock News. I can't do that anymore. Now I have to wait for the 10 O'clock News (long past the kids going to bed) to see my cute husband (on television, that is). I was always texting or checking Facebook on my phone. I can't do that anymore. Now if you send me a message between the hours of 4pm and 8pm you're less likely to get a response. I had to give up watching some of my favorite television shows. But just as I've seen changes in my children, I've seen more changes in myself. I'm more present with my family. I'm "fully present" so to speak. What I've learned about myself is that I'm doing a good work with my family - shaping the next generation and impacting the world. I can't do that well if I spend my life watching reruns or wasting time on social media. I've also learned to cherish the quiet. Now, when the television is on, it seems so loud and noisy. I prefer the quiet nights where the littles (that's the four kids under the age of nine) are all in bed by 8pm and the quasi big (the 12 year old) and Steven and I sit and read and she will quietly say "Mom, what does this word mean?" I love that.
So I've given you three examples of limiting screen time and they fall all along the spectrum of choices you could make.
Here's my question - what have you done to limit screen time for your family or what are you thinking about trying? I think we can start an important dialogue that will help our families find a fit that works for them and makes them stronger, better families. By being honest about what we do (even if it's admitting that sometimes we use the screens as babysitters) we can support and encourage one another on our journey along this path of parenthood.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
What Children Forgot
"In their dealings with children adults do not become egotistic but egocentric. They look upon everything pertaining to a child's soul from their own point of view..."
I finished a book yesterday titled "What Alice Forgot." I found it wildly fascinating. The plot centers around a woman who faints during a workout at the gym and wakes up thinking it is 1998 when, in reality, it is 2008. She has forgotten ten years of her life. Throughout the course of the book it becomes glaringly obvious that much has changed about her life in the last decade and very little of it is for the better - hers or anyone she knows. The hard part in reading her rediscovery of these changes is how shocking each revelation is to her. She has no time to deal with or process the changes as she encounters them. She isn't "participating" in these changes as she regains her memory - they're just being presented to her by other people, other people who know what happened, what steps were taken to move forward, and how life is different since the changes. And throughout the book they continually project their own emotions about the situations on to Alice since she can't remember them. She is forced to learn about and accept these life altering changes through the eyes and ears and perceptions of other human beings.
And so it is with our children. They're told mom and dad are divorcing and how to feel about it. They're told mom is going back to work outside the home and how to feel about it. They're told dad got a promotion at work and won't be home as often and how to feel about it. They're told Grandma died and how to feel about it. They're told another baby is going to be born or siblings are being adopted and how to feel about it. And who does the telling gets the pleasure of forming the "how to feel about it" part. For whatever reason, it's like we believe our children aren't able to live out these changes with us. Sadly, though, accepting change and living through change to see the other side (especially difficult change) is a life skill children aren't born with. So if we don't teach them, how will they learn?
Let me share a very personal example with you. For those of you unaware, our family has recently adopted two African American children out of the Arkansas foster care system. This is a decision that was formed over several years and actively pursued since November of last year. When we began the actual, formal process of adopting, we talked with our biological children about the decision. We tried, as best as possible and appropriate, to keep them informed about the process and how it was going. They had lots of questions and we answered those as best we could, even if the answer was "we don't know." We did very well about involving the children in this process right up until the moment the adopted children came to live with us. Then I dropped the ball.
As a mom, I was overwhelmed with the stress and the change taking place in my family. I didn't anticipate feelings akin to post pardem depression (what I now know to be an actual problem called post adoption depression). I wasn't ready to deal with emotions I never knew I would have to face - feelings of inadequacy and insecurities about what we had done. But I was taking all the right steps to deal with these issues and successfully work through this change in my life. And as I was dealing with it, I projected all I was doing onto my children and told them "we're fine." If I could successfully handle the change and the transition period, then everyone and everything would be okay. But what about the other five people in the house? It's not like my husband and the children can "forget" the change and simply wake up a few months down the road to be told by me how it all went. We all have to go through it. We all have to adjust.
I've learned that if I'm exhausted and tired, the four and five year old boys probably are, too, and may need a little grace. If what the seven year old says is annoying to me, it might be annoying to the 11 year old, too, and she needs some space and time alone. As I learn my new routines and patterns, everyone in the house is learning them, too.
One of my biggest outlets for stress and frustration is talking to people in my inner circle. I need that sounding board for all I'm going through and to have people say "you're okay." But I wasn't allowing my children to talk about how they feel. I wasn't even asking. I had several people, several times a day in the beginning, calling and asking how I was. But I never asked my children if they wanted to talk. Steven and I would stay up half the night talking things over, but never ask the children if they had opinions or concerns. We were living their change for them and telling them how to feel about it.
Whatever changes are going on in our family, we don't need to try to live the change for our children. We shouldn't project our emotions and feelings on them. They're entitled to their own view of the situation. They may not (and probably won't) cope just like we would. But they do need to learn to cope and unless they are given opportunities to learn, they will enter adulthood expecting other people to deal with their changes and decisions for them.
Our children don't have memory loss. They're going through these changes at the same time we are. We have to help them learn to live through those changes to see the other side. As parents, we have a wonderful opportunity to set good examples of how to cope and come out stronger. We should be talking with our children about how we handle change, what we do when we feel anxious or worried, and, as scary as it may sound, allow them to see our struggles from time to time. Then it won't be about what we hope they "forgot" but so much more about what they learned.
I finished a book yesterday titled "What Alice Forgot." I found it wildly fascinating. The plot centers around a woman who faints during a workout at the gym and wakes up thinking it is 1998 when, in reality, it is 2008. She has forgotten ten years of her life. Throughout the course of the book it becomes glaringly obvious that much has changed about her life in the last decade and very little of it is for the better - hers or anyone she knows. The hard part in reading her rediscovery of these changes is how shocking each revelation is to her. She has no time to deal with or process the changes as she encounters them. She isn't "participating" in these changes as she regains her memory - they're just being presented to her by other people, other people who know what happened, what steps were taken to move forward, and how life is different since the changes. And throughout the book they continually project their own emotions about the situations on to Alice since she can't remember them. She is forced to learn about and accept these life altering changes through the eyes and ears and perceptions of other human beings.
And so it is with our children. They're told mom and dad are divorcing and how to feel about it. They're told mom is going back to work outside the home and how to feel about it. They're told dad got a promotion at work and won't be home as often and how to feel about it. They're told Grandma died and how to feel about it. They're told another baby is going to be born or siblings are being adopted and how to feel about it. And who does the telling gets the pleasure of forming the "how to feel about it" part. For whatever reason, it's like we believe our children aren't able to live out these changes with us. Sadly, though, accepting change and living through change to see the other side (especially difficult change) is a life skill children aren't born with. So if we don't teach them, how will they learn?
Let me share a very personal example with you. For those of you unaware, our family has recently adopted two African American children out of the Arkansas foster care system. This is a decision that was formed over several years and actively pursued since November of last year. When we began the actual, formal process of adopting, we talked with our biological children about the decision. We tried, as best as possible and appropriate, to keep them informed about the process and how it was going. They had lots of questions and we answered those as best we could, even if the answer was "we don't know." We did very well about involving the children in this process right up until the moment the adopted children came to live with us. Then I dropped the ball.
As a mom, I was overwhelmed with the stress and the change taking place in my family. I didn't anticipate feelings akin to post pardem depression (what I now know to be an actual problem called post adoption depression). I wasn't ready to deal with emotions I never knew I would have to face - feelings of inadequacy and insecurities about what we had done. But I was taking all the right steps to deal with these issues and successfully work through this change in my life. And as I was dealing with it, I projected all I was doing onto my children and told them "we're fine." If I could successfully handle the change and the transition period, then everyone and everything would be okay. But what about the other five people in the house? It's not like my husband and the children can "forget" the change and simply wake up a few months down the road to be told by me how it all went. We all have to go through it. We all have to adjust.
I've learned that if I'm exhausted and tired, the four and five year old boys probably are, too, and may need a little grace. If what the seven year old says is annoying to me, it might be annoying to the 11 year old, too, and she needs some space and time alone. As I learn my new routines and patterns, everyone in the house is learning them, too.
One of my biggest outlets for stress and frustration is talking to people in my inner circle. I need that sounding board for all I'm going through and to have people say "you're okay." But I wasn't allowing my children to talk about how they feel. I wasn't even asking. I had several people, several times a day in the beginning, calling and asking how I was. But I never asked my children if they wanted to talk. Steven and I would stay up half the night talking things over, but never ask the children if they had opinions or concerns. We were living their change for them and telling them how to feel about it.
Whatever changes are going on in our family, we don't need to try to live the change for our children. We shouldn't project our emotions and feelings on them. They're entitled to their own view of the situation. They may not (and probably won't) cope just like we would. But they do need to learn to cope and unless they are given opportunities to learn, they will enter adulthood expecting other people to deal with their changes and decisions for them.
Our children don't have memory loss. They're going through these changes at the same time we are. We have to help them learn to live through those changes to see the other side. As parents, we have a wonderful opportunity to set good examples of how to cope and come out stronger. We should be talking with our children about how we handle change, what we do when we feel anxious or worried, and, as scary as it may sound, allow them to see our struggles from time to time. Then it won't be about what we hope they "forgot" but so much more about what they learned.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Seeing the Child
"The adult must find within himself the still unknown error that prevents him from seeing the child as he is."
One basic idea in the Montessori philosophy is that every child carries unseen within him the man he will become. In order to develop his physical, intellectual and spiritual powers to the fullest, he must have freedom within limits. One of the first things a Montessori teacher learns to do is constantly look for that person who is not yet there. The teacher must have a kind of faith that the child will reveal himself. It's so much less about creating a child to be who we expect him to be and more about allowing the child to develop into the human being he is meant to be.
As competent adults, it is our responsibility to set reasonable standards and high expectations for a child. It is not, however, our job to dictate the path a child will take to reach those standards and expectations. The child must be left free (within boundaries) to develop his own pesonality, skills, and abilities and discover for himself who he is and how he will approach life. And rarely will it look exactly like the way we would do it - because he is a child and we are adults.
In the end, does it really matter how the child got his shoes on his feet as long as they are on? Is it beneficial for us to point out how it could be done more quickly or efficiently? Do we really think talking about how something should be done is better than him learning for himself how it can be done? Celebrate the fact the he got them on and have faith that when he is 10 years old he will be more adept at getting his shoes on than when he is four.
How a nine year old girl handles disagreements with her school friends may not look anything like what we would choose to do, but she must learn for herself what it means to be a good friend and figure out her own relationship road. Yes, we can offer guidance and suggestions and impose natural consequences when necessary, but we can't be her and we certainly can't force her to be us. Believe the best for your child. She will, given time and enough life experience, learn to be a good friend and choose good friends.
Let's be gracious with the children in our charge. They are not adults - yet. They're working hard to develop into competent, joyful, successful humans and rather than frustrate them with our "prison warden" mentality of do it now and do it our way, let us celebrate their baby steps into the world around them as they explore, learn, grow, change direction, backtrack, and charge headlong into life. As Dr. Montessori taught "it is the child who makes the man, and no man exists who was not made by the child he once was."
One basic idea in the Montessori philosophy is that every child carries unseen within him the man he will become. In order to develop his physical, intellectual and spiritual powers to the fullest, he must have freedom within limits. One of the first things a Montessori teacher learns to do is constantly look for that person who is not yet there. The teacher must have a kind of faith that the child will reveal himself. It's so much less about creating a child to be who we expect him to be and more about allowing the child to develop into the human being he is meant to be.
As competent adults, it is our responsibility to set reasonable standards and high expectations for a child. It is not, however, our job to dictate the path a child will take to reach those standards and expectations. The child must be left free (within boundaries) to develop his own pesonality, skills, and abilities and discover for himself who he is and how he will approach life. And rarely will it look exactly like the way we would do it - because he is a child and we are adults.
In the end, does it really matter how the child got his shoes on his feet as long as they are on? Is it beneficial for us to point out how it could be done more quickly or efficiently? Do we really think talking about how something should be done is better than him learning for himself how it can be done? Celebrate the fact the he got them on and have faith that when he is 10 years old he will be more adept at getting his shoes on than when he is four.
How a nine year old girl handles disagreements with her school friends may not look anything like what we would choose to do, but she must learn for herself what it means to be a good friend and figure out her own relationship road. Yes, we can offer guidance and suggestions and impose natural consequences when necessary, but we can't be her and we certainly can't force her to be us. Believe the best for your child. She will, given time and enough life experience, learn to be a good friend and choose good friends.
Let's be gracious with the children in our charge. They are not adults - yet. They're working hard to develop into competent, joyful, successful humans and rather than frustrate them with our "prison warden" mentality of do it now and do it our way, let us celebrate their baby steps into the world around them as they explore, learn, grow, change direction, backtrack, and charge headlong into life. As Dr. Montessori taught "it is the child who makes the man, and no man exists who was not made by the child he once was."
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Independence - The First Montessori Lesson
"Any child who is self-sufficient, who can tie his shoes, dress or undress himself, reflects in his joy and sense of achievement the image of human dignity, which is derived from a sense of independence."
One of our primary goals for Montessori students is a hightened level of independence. As a Montessori parent, one compliment you are likely to often receive is that your child seems "older and more mature" than other children his age. People see and acknowledge independence as an admirable trait, but many don't understand the reason why it's so important to a child's development or how to help the child acheive an appropriate level of independence.
As Montessorians, we believe that a child's level of independence is directly linked to his level of self-concept and ability. The more independent a child is, the stronger his self-concept, and, in turn, his level of ability to acheive success. It may sound simplistic, but it's the same concept as The Little Engine That Could - "I think I can. I think I can." When a child achieves a task on his own, his belief in his ability to tackle and succesfully complete new and unfamiliar tasks (i.e. academic skills) skyrockets. And studies show that a student's level of independence and self-concept are more strongly correlated to long-term academic success than IQ. In other words, an average, independent child with a strong self-concept will likely do better in school than a child who simply has a high IQ. There is no way to stress how important your child's independence is in the long run. It effects everything.
So the question, then, is how to develop an appropriate level of independence? It's tricky because expecting too much of a child causes frustrations as does expecting too little. Every child is different, but in general, there are age appropriate tasks that will help every child achieve the next level of independence.
Primary children ages three to six should be able to complete basic self-care tasks alone such as dressing, toileting, and fixing a snack and cleaning up when done. Children this age can also assist with household chores such as folding towels, setting the table for dinner, feeding an animal, and much more.
Lower elementary children ages six to nine can build on those primary foundations and continue to learn to choose their own clothes for each day, fix their own hair, and pack their lunch for school. If properly taught, they are capable of loading and unloading a dishwasher, folding a load of clothes, helping prepare dinner, and caring for a pet.
Upper elementary children ages nine to twelve are ready to be exposed to (not competent in) life skills such as doing their own laundry, prearing full meals, and handling finances (such as saving money, budgeting for needed items). They can learn to help with planning family trips by researching hotels and calculating gas costs. There are so many "life skill" opportunities for children this age. Think about things they need to know for life and start exposing them to these ideas now. Build their confidence while you still have them in a controlled and safe environment. Otherwise, you end up with a college sophomore who's $10,000 in credit card debt and still bringing his laundry home to you.
The ultimate guiding question for any true Montessori parent is "can/should my child do this task alone?" As parents, it is so easy to get caught up in doing what is convenient and easy for us. Yes, it's quicker to put the shoes on the three year old yourself and rush out the door. But you've stolen a piece of your child's joy and independence when you do. Your seven year old may drop a dinner plate and break it. That's okay. Help him learn how to clean it up. (I broke a plate the other day and I'm 35.)
If you're not sure if a task/chore/skill is age appropriate - ask. Ask other parents you trust and admire. Ask your child's Montessori teacher. Ask your mother. Ask yourself - am I doing this for my child because it's convenient or because I think she can't do it alone?
A great book to read on this specific topic is How To Raise An Amazing Child The Montessori Way. The book is available for $13.60 at Amazon.com. We highly recommend it.
One of our primary goals for Montessori students is a hightened level of independence. As a Montessori parent, one compliment you are likely to often receive is that your child seems "older and more mature" than other children his age. People see and acknowledge independence as an admirable trait, but many don't understand the reason why it's so important to a child's development or how to help the child acheive an appropriate level of independence.
As Montessorians, we believe that a child's level of independence is directly linked to his level of self-concept and ability. The more independent a child is, the stronger his self-concept, and, in turn, his level of ability to acheive success. It may sound simplistic, but it's the same concept as The Little Engine That Could - "I think I can. I think I can." When a child achieves a task on his own, his belief in his ability to tackle and succesfully complete new and unfamiliar tasks (i.e. academic skills) skyrockets. And studies show that a student's level of independence and self-concept are more strongly correlated to long-term academic success than IQ. In other words, an average, independent child with a strong self-concept will likely do better in school than a child who simply has a high IQ. There is no way to stress how important your child's independence is in the long run. It effects everything.
So the question, then, is how to develop an appropriate level of independence? It's tricky because expecting too much of a child causes frustrations as does expecting too little. Every child is different, but in general, there are age appropriate tasks that will help every child achieve the next level of independence.
Primary children ages three to six should be able to complete basic self-care tasks alone such as dressing, toileting, and fixing a snack and cleaning up when done. Children this age can also assist with household chores such as folding towels, setting the table for dinner, feeding an animal, and much more.
Lower elementary children ages six to nine can build on those primary foundations and continue to learn to choose their own clothes for each day, fix their own hair, and pack their lunch for school. If properly taught, they are capable of loading and unloading a dishwasher, folding a load of clothes, helping prepare dinner, and caring for a pet.
Upper elementary children ages nine to twelve are ready to be exposed to (not competent in) life skills such as doing their own laundry, prearing full meals, and handling finances (such as saving money, budgeting for needed items). They can learn to help with planning family trips by researching hotels and calculating gas costs. There are so many "life skill" opportunities for children this age. Think about things they need to know for life and start exposing them to these ideas now. Build their confidence while you still have them in a controlled and safe environment. Otherwise, you end up with a college sophomore who's $10,000 in credit card debt and still bringing his laundry home to you.
The ultimate guiding question for any true Montessori parent is "can/should my child do this task alone?" As parents, it is so easy to get caught up in doing what is convenient and easy for us. Yes, it's quicker to put the shoes on the three year old yourself and rush out the door. But you've stolen a piece of your child's joy and independence when you do. Your seven year old may drop a dinner plate and break it. That's okay. Help him learn how to clean it up. (I broke a plate the other day and I'm 35.)
If you're not sure if a task/chore/skill is age appropriate - ask. Ask other parents you trust and admire. Ask your child's Montessori teacher. Ask your mother. Ask yourself - am I doing this for my child because it's convenient or because I think she can't do it alone?
A great book to read on this specific topic is How To Raise An Amazing Child The Montessori Way. The book is available for $13.60 at Amazon.com. We highly recommend it.
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