Being Excused

A very common phrase around The Montessori School is "please be excused." This phrase is used from teacher to student and student to student. It is modeled and encouraged in every classroom on campus. As we continually strive to build a strong foundation of grace and courtesy towards others, this phrase is the embodiment of so many things we want our children to internalize - empowerment to speak up for oneself and make needs known, extending another human being kindness with words even when what's being asked isn't optional, and learning to make good choices with our minds and bodies.

Being excused is so much more than being "dismissed." It is an all encompassing term that may mean many things: these two people are already talking and you've interrupted; this is not an appropriate time or place for what you are doing; you being here talking to me or touching my work interferes with my concentration; I don't choose to be around you at this moment - I would rather be left alone. And the list could go on. The idea behind being excused is allowing the child to decipher for himself why he was asked to walk away.

Over time, for example, if a child is asked to "please be excused" every time he approaches two adults in conversation he will eventually catch on to the connection between the two things (interrupting adults talking = me being excused) and learn to wait patiently until one of the adults acknowledges him. This helps the child internalize the concept for himself rather than having it told to him by adults (i.e. "Would you please not be rude and interrupt when adults are talking" or "How many times have I asked you not to interrupt when I am talking to someone?"). Consider, also, the social embarrassment of these example rebukes. It's demeaning to the child to be talked down to in such a manner. Being excused allows the child to maintain his sense of dignity and self-worth while at the same time analyzing the situation and growing his social skill set.

So in the primary classroom yesterday, a very young, first year student was "watching" (i.e. bothering) an older child who was working. As the teacher approached the situation (that's called proximity and is a "disciplinary" tool Montessori teachers use) to make her presence known, the younger child turned to her and said, with a smile, "I'm being excused." And that's an amazingly huge Montessori step forward for that child. In the short four weeks we have been in session, this child has taken a Montessori teaching tool and internalized it. He didn't need to be told what to do; he knew.

Try using "please be excused" at home. It's a phrase your child is very familiar with, and it is a useful tool that can be used in a variety of situations. It helps ensure that your child is receiving the civility due any human being while at the same time learning important lessons for himself.