The Whole Truth

My mom and dad are getting a divorce and I'm going to live with my aunt.

My mom is pregnant and I'm going to have a baby brother.

Well...the police came to our house and Daddy had to go away with the policeman.

My mom never cooks for us. We eat cookies for dinner every night and I usually have a bowl of ice cream for breakfast.

You cannot even begin to imagine the stories we hear at school from children. One of the above scenarios was true (I won't tell you which one but suffice to say that someone did actually end up in jail) but the rest are false. So it makes us wonder, what do you hear at home about us that may or may not be true? Children have been known to manipulate a situation to their benefit (gasp!). It's a natural tendency in all human beings - using a portion of the truth, or sometimes an outright lie, to justify some need or want. The problem lies in the fact that this is not teaching a child to appropriately handle truths, accurately express feelings, and cooperatively create positive solutions to difficult circumstances. And yes, these are learned behaviors, not innate ones.

Surprisingly, children quickly learn the buzz words that push the buttons of adults in their lives. At school, things that generally get a rise out of a teacher include stories of neglect, disruption in the nuclear family, physical abuse, or other such social travesties. At home, things that generally get a rise out of a parent include stories of unfairness, lack of academic progress, bullying, or other educational travesties. Rarely do these stories get at the heart of what is truly bothering the child. Children frequently have trouble verbalizing what is bothering them. Perhaps mom and dad had an argument, but she tells the teacher mom and dad are divorcing. Possibly he had trouble with a difficult assignment, but he tells his parents that the teacher is treating him unfairly. Although not in anyway malicious, such a deviance avoids the heart of the problem - something is bothering the child and it needs to be dealt with.

There are several steps we take at school to ensure that any issue is properly dealt with. Of course, any hint of child abuse or neglect is to be reported immediately; however good judgment and some common sense go a long way when dealing with children. We try to:

1. Encourage the child to tell the entire story, prompting him with phrases such as start at the beginning; what happened next?; what caused you to feel ___________?; when did you start to feel _________?; what were _______'s exact words.

2. Avoid open-ended and leading questions such as did ________ say mean things to you?; did ________ touch you or hit you?

Children most often respond with an affirmative if they are in a difficult or uncomfortable situation because they often think a "yes" is what the adult wants to hear. You can get a child to confirm almost anything if you word it correctly. The easiest way to avoid this is to NOT ask yes or no questions. Ask questions that require a more lengthy response.

3. Walk the child through possible resolutions to the problem: what could you have done differently?; what would happen if you ____________?; how would you feel if ______________?

In the end, if we still believe the child is telling the whole truth and the issue needs to be addressed more formally, we contact the person(s) who can help clarify any misunderstandings or give further insight into the situation. We try to never jump to conclusions. On the whole, it is our faith in you, as parents, that often keeps us from believing the wild and sometimes far-fetched stories your children tell about you.

But I will let you wonder if it was your child who told us that "Mom locked Dad out of the house last night and HE WAS NAKED!"