"In their dealings with children adults do not become egotistic but egocentric. They look upon everything pertaining to a child's soul from their own point of view..."
I finished a book yesterday titled "What Alice Forgot." I found it wildly fascinating. The plot centers around a woman who faints during a workout at the gym and wakes up thinking it is 1998 when, in reality, it is 2008. She has forgotten ten years of her life. Throughout the course of the book it becomes glaringly obvious that much has changed about her life in the last decade and very little of it is for the better - hers or anyone she knows. The hard part in reading her rediscovery of these changes is how shocking each revelation is to her. She has no time to deal with or process the changes as she encounters them. She isn't "participating" in these changes as she regains her memory - they're just being presented to her by other people, other people who know what happened, what steps were taken to move forward, and how life is different since the changes. And throughout the book they continually project their own emotions about the situations on to Alice since she can't remember them. She is forced to learn about and accept these life altering changes through the eyes and ears and perceptions of other human beings.
And so it is with our children. They're told mom and dad are divorcing and how to feel about it. They're told mom is going back to work outside the home and how to feel about it. They're told dad got a promotion at work and won't be home as often and how to feel about it. They're told Grandma died and how to feel about it. They're told another baby is going to be born or siblings are being adopted and how to feel about it. And who does the telling gets the pleasure of forming the "how to feel about it" part. For whatever reason, it's like we believe our children aren't able to live out these changes with us. Sadly, though, accepting change and living through change to see the other side (especially difficult change) is a life skill children aren't born with. So if we don't teach them, how will they learn?
Let me share a very personal example with you. For those of you unaware, our family has recently adopted two African American children out of the Arkansas foster care system. This is a decision that was formed over several years and actively pursued since November of last year. When we began the actual, formal process of adopting, we talked with our biological children about the decision. We tried, as best as possible and appropriate, to keep them informed about the process and how it was going. They had lots of questions and we answered those as best we could, even if the answer was "we don't know." We did very well about involving the children in this process right up until the moment the adopted children came to live with us. Then I dropped the ball.
As a mom, I was overwhelmed with the stress and the change taking place in my family. I didn't anticipate feelings akin to post pardem depression (what I now know to be an actual problem called post adoption depression). I wasn't ready to deal with emotions I never knew I would have to face - feelings of inadequacy and insecurities about what we had done. But I was taking all the right steps to deal with these issues and successfully work through this change in my life. And as I was dealing with it, I projected all I was doing onto my children and told them "we're fine." If I could successfully handle the change and the transition period, then everyone and everything would be okay. But what about the other five people in the house? It's not like my husband and the children can "forget" the change and simply wake up a few months down the road to be told by me how it all went. We all have to go through it. We all have to adjust.
I've learned that if I'm exhausted and tired, the four and five year old boys probably are, too, and may need a little grace. If what the seven year old says is annoying to me, it might be annoying to the 11 year old, too, and she needs some space and time alone. As I learn my new routines and patterns, everyone in the house is learning them, too.
One of my biggest outlets for stress and frustration is talking to people in my inner circle. I need that sounding board for all I'm going through and to have people say "you're okay." But I wasn't allowing my children to talk about how they feel. I wasn't even asking. I had several people, several times a day in the beginning, calling and asking how I was. But I never asked my children if they wanted to talk. Steven and I would stay up half the night talking things over, but never ask the children if they had opinions or concerns. We were living their change for them and telling them how to feel about it.
Whatever changes are going on in our family, we don't need to try to live the change for our children. We shouldn't project our emotions and feelings on them. They're entitled to their own view of the situation. They may not (and probably won't) cope just like we would. But they do need to learn to cope and unless they are given opportunities to learn, they will enter adulthood expecting other people to deal with their changes and decisions for them.
Our children don't have memory loss. They're going through these changes at the same time we are. We have to help them learn to live through those changes to see the other side. As parents, we have a wonderful opportunity to set good examples of how to cope and come out stronger. We should be talking with our children about how we handle change, what we do when we feel anxious or worried, and, as scary as it may sound, allow them to see our struggles from time to time. Then it won't be about what we hope they "forgot" but so much more about what they learned.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Seeing the Child
"The adult must find within himself the still unknown error that prevents him from seeing the child as he is."
One basic idea in the Montessori philosophy is that every child carries unseen within him the man he will become. In order to develop his physical, intellectual and spiritual powers to the fullest, he must have freedom within limits. One of the first things a Montessori teacher learns to do is constantly look for that person who is not yet there. The teacher must have a kind of faith that the child will reveal himself. It's so much less about creating a child to be who we expect him to be and more about allowing the child to develop into the human being he is meant to be.
As competent adults, it is our responsibility to set reasonable standards and high expectations for a child. It is not, however, our job to dictate the path a child will take to reach those standards and expectations. The child must be left free (within boundaries) to develop his own pesonality, skills, and abilities and discover for himself who he is and how he will approach life. And rarely will it look exactly like the way we would do it - because he is a child and we are adults.
In the end, does it really matter how the child got his shoes on his feet as long as they are on? Is it beneficial for us to point out how it could be done more quickly or efficiently? Do we really think talking about how something should be done is better than him learning for himself how it can be done? Celebrate the fact the he got them on and have faith that when he is 10 years old he will be more adept at getting his shoes on than when he is four.
How a nine year old girl handles disagreements with her school friends may not look anything like what we would choose to do, but she must learn for herself what it means to be a good friend and figure out her own relationship road. Yes, we can offer guidance and suggestions and impose natural consequences when necessary, but we can't be her and we certainly can't force her to be us. Believe the best for your child. She will, given time and enough life experience, learn to be a good friend and choose good friends.
Let's be gracious with the children in our charge. They are not adults - yet. They're working hard to develop into competent, joyful, successful humans and rather than frustrate them with our "prison warden" mentality of do it now and do it our way, let us celebrate their baby steps into the world around them as they explore, learn, grow, change direction, backtrack, and charge headlong into life. As Dr. Montessori taught "it is the child who makes the man, and no man exists who was not made by the child he once was."
One basic idea in the Montessori philosophy is that every child carries unseen within him the man he will become. In order to develop his physical, intellectual and spiritual powers to the fullest, he must have freedom within limits. One of the first things a Montessori teacher learns to do is constantly look for that person who is not yet there. The teacher must have a kind of faith that the child will reveal himself. It's so much less about creating a child to be who we expect him to be and more about allowing the child to develop into the human being he is meant to be.
As competent adults, it is our responsibility to set reasonable standards and high expectations for a child. It is not, however, our job to dictate the path a child will take to reach those standards and expectations. The child must be left free (within boundaries) to develop his own pesonality, skills, and abilities and discover for himself who he is and how he will approach life. And rarely will it look exactly like the way we would do it - because he is a child and we are adults.
In the end, does it really matter how the child got his shoes on his feet as long as they are on? Is it beneficial for us to point out how it could be done more quickly or efficiently? Do we really think talking about how something should be done is better than him learning for himself how it can be done? Celebrate the fact the he got them on and have faith that when he is 10 years old he will be more adept at getting his shoes on than when he is four.
How a nine year old girl handles disagreements with her school friends may not look anything like what we would choose to do, but she must learn for herself what it means to be a good friend and figure out her own relationship road. Yes, we can offer guidance and suggestions and impose natural consequences when necessary, but we can't be her and we certainly can't force her to be us. Believe the best for your child. She will, given time and enough life experience, learn to be a good friend and choose good friends.
Let's be gracious with the children in our charge. They are not adults - yet. They're working hard to develop into competent, joyful, successful humans and rather than frustrate them with our "prison warden" mentality of do it now and do it our way, let us celebrate their baby steps into the world around them as they explore, learn, grow, change direction, backtrack, and charge headlong into life. As Dr. Montessori taught "it is the child who makes the man, and no man exists who was not made by the child he once was."
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Independence - The First Montessori Lesson
"Any child who is self-sufficient, who can tie his shoes, dress or undress himself, reflects in his joy and sense of achievement the image of human dignity, which is derived from a sense of independence."
One of our primary goals for Montessori students is a hightened level of independence. As a Montessori parent, one compliment you are likely to often receive is that your child seems "older and more mature" than other children his age. People see and acknowledge independence as an admirable trait, but many don't understand the reason why it's so important to a child's development or how to help the child acheive an appropriate level of independence.
As Montessorians, we believe that a child's level of independence is directly linked to his level of self-concept and ability. The more independent a child is, the stronger his self-concept, and, in turn, his level of ability to acheive success. It may sound simplistic, but it's the same concept as The Little Engine That Could - "I think I can. I think I can." When a child achieves a task on his own, his belief in his ability to tackle and succesfully complete new and unfamiliar tasks (i.e. academic skills) skyrockets. And studies show that a student's level of independence and self-concept are more strongly correlated to long-term academic success than IQ. In other words, an average, independent child with a strong self-concept will likely do better in school than a child who simply has a high IQ. There is no way to stress how important your child's independence is in the long run. It effects everything.
So the question, then, is how to develop an appropriate level of independence? It's tricky because expecting too much of a child causes frustrations as does expecting too little. Every child is different, but in general, there are age appropriate tasks that will help every child achieve the next level of independence.
Primary children ages three to six should be able to complete basic self-care tasks alone such as dressing, toileting, and fixing a snack and cleaning up when done. Children this age can also assist with household chores such as folding towels, setting the table for dinner, feeding an animal, and much more.
Lower elementary children ages six to nine can build on those primary foundations and continue to learn to choose their own clothes for each day, fix their own hair, and pack their lunch for school. If properly taught, they are capable of loading and unloading a dishwasher, folding a load of clothes, helping prepare dinner, and caring for a pet.
Upper elementary children ages nine to twelve are ready to be exposed to (not competent in) life skills such as doing their own laundry, prearing full meals, and handling finances (such as saving money, budgeting for needed items). They can learn to help with planning family trips by researching hotels and calculating gas costs. There are so many "life skill" opportunities for children this age. Think about things they need to know for life and start exposing them to these ideas now. Build their confidence while you still have them in a controlled and safe environment. Otherwise, you end up with a college sophomore who's $10,000 in credit card debt and still bringing his laundry home to you.
The ultimate guiding question for any true Montessori parent is "can/should my child do this task alone?" As parents, it is so easy to get caught up in doing what is convenient and easy for us. Yes, it's quicker to put the shoes on the three year old yourself and rush out the door. But you've stolen a piece of your child's joy and independence when you do. Your seven year old may drop a dinner plate and break it. That's okay. Help him learn how to clean it up. (I broke a plate the other day and I'm 35.)
If you're not sure if a task/chore/skill is age appropriate - ask. Ask other parents you trust and admire. Ask your child's Montessori teacher. Ask your mother. Ask yourself - am I doing this for my child because it's convenient or because I think she can't do it alone?
A great book to read on this specific topic is How To Raise An Amazing Child The Montessori Way. The book is available for $13.60 at Amazon.com. We highly recommend it.
One of our primary goals for Montessori students is a hightened level of independence. As a Montessori parent, one compliment you are likely to often receive is that your child seems "older and more mature" than other children his age. People see and acknowledge independence as an admirable trait, but many don't understand the reason why it's so important to a child's development or how to help the child acheive an appropriate level of independence.
As Montessorians, we believe that a child's level of independence is directly linked to his level of self-concept and ability. The more independent a child is, the stronger his self-concept, and, in turn, his level of ability to acheive success. It may sound simplistic, but it's the same concept as The Little Engine That Could - "I think I can. I think I can." When a child achieves a task on his own, his belief in his ability to tackle and succesfully complete new and unfamiliar tasks (i.e. academic skills) skyrockets. And studies show that a student's level of independence and self-concept are more strongly correlated to long-term academic success than IQ. In other words, an average, independent child with a strong self-concept will likely do better in school than a child who simply has a high IQ. There is no way to stress how important your child's independence is in the long run. It effects everything.
So the question, then, is how to develop an appropriate level of independence? It's tricky because expecting too much of a child causes frustrations as does expecting too little. Every child is different, but in general, there are age appropriate tasks that will help every child achieve the next level of independence.
Primary children ages three to six should be able to complete basic self-care tasks alone such as dressing, toileting, and fixing a snack and cleaning up when done. Children this age can also assist with household chores such as folding towels, setting the table for dinner, feeding an animal, and much more.
Lower elementary children ages six to nine can build on those primary foundations and continue to learn to choose their own clothes for each day, fix their own hair, and pack their lunch for school. If properly taught, they are capable of loading and unloading a dishwasher, folding a load of clothes, helping prepare dinner, and caring for a pet.
Upper elementary children ages nine to twelve are ready to be exposed to (not competent in) life skills such as doing their own laundry, prearing full meals, and handling finances (such as saving money, budgeting for needed items). They can learn to help with planning family trips by researching hotels and calculating gas costs. There are so many "life skill" opportunities for children this age. Think about things they need to know for life and start exposing them to these ideas now. Build their confidence while you still have them in a controlled and safe environment. Otherwise, you end up with a college sophomore who's $10,000 in credit card debt and still bringing his laundry home to you.
The ultimate guiding question for any true Montessori parent is "can/should my child do this task alone?" As parents, it is so easy to get caught up in doing what is convenient and easy for us. Yes, it's quicker to put the shoes on the three year old yourself and rush out the door. But you've stolen a piece of your child's joy and independence when you do. Your seven year old may drop a dinner plate and break it. That's okay. Help him learn how to clean it up. (I broke a plate the other day and I'm 35.)
If you're not sure if a task/chore/skill is age appropriate - ask. Ask other parents you trust and admire. Ask your child's Montessori teacher. Ask your mother. Ask yourself - am I doing this for my child because it's convenient or because I think she can't do it alone?
A great book to read on this specific topic is How To Raise An Amazing Child The Montessori Way. The book is available for $13.60 at Amazon.com. We highly recommend it.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Strike the Imagination - Cultural Studies
"Our aim is not only to make the child understand, and still less to force him to memorize, but so to touch his imagination as to enthuse him to his innermost core."
There are Montessori phrases that can be confusing at times. One of those phrases is "cultural studies" or "cultural lessons." The easiest way to explain this concept is to say that cultural work refers to anything a child does that is not directly related to language or math work.
More explicitly, during culture work, the child is presented with intimate relationships that exist among all forms of life and this study is meant to spark or "strike" the child's interest and engage the imagination. This process helps with understanding individual pieces of information as they are learned. At young ages, all aspects of culture work are received enthusiastically, as children are eager to learn about the world they live in and how that world works. Children are presented with vast fields of knowledge which they are excited to learn. Later, the seeds of imagination and interest that have been planted will grow and develop into complex, abstract educational work.
Cultural work is the exciting, enticing, fun work that always elicits oooohs, ahhhhs, and wows! from the children. Cultural work is the way children will discover answers to questions such as "how do eyes see?" or "where do clouds come from?" Cultural work is a way for children to express their own personalities and interests because they are able to research and investigate things that interest them.
In short, when your child comes home talking about cultural lessons, cultural studies, or cultural work - ask him what he studied! You'll see your child's face light up as he talks about the new and amazing things he discovered that day.
More explicitly, during culture work, the child is presented with intimate relationships that exist among all forms of life and this study is meant to spark or "strike" the child's interest and engage the imagination. This process helps with understanding individual pieces of information as they are learned. At young ages, all aspects of culture work are received enthusiastically, as children are eager to learn about the world they live in and how that world works. Children are presented with vast fields of knowledge which they are excited to learn. Later, the seeds of imagination and interest that have been planted will grow and develop into complex, abstract educational work.
Cultural work is the exciting, enticing, fun work that always elicits oooohs, ahhhhs, and wows! from the children. Cultural work is the way children will discover answers to questions such as "how do eyes see?" or "where do clouds come from?" Cultural work is a way for children to express their own personalities and interests because they are able to research and investigate things that interest them.
In short, when your child comes home talking about cultural lessons, cultural studies, or cultural work - ask him what he studied! You'll see your child's face light up as he talks about the new and amazing things he discovered that day.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A Universally Unanswered Question
Why do we make decisions we know are not good? That we know will leave us unfulfilled and unhappy? We feel better when we make good decisions. And if that fact is so easily and aptly stated, then the universally unanswered question becomes...why do we make poor choices? Good question, huh? One of the most common topics of discussion among people investigating Montessori education for the first time is discipline. Everyone wants to know how we handle discipline. The answer is simple - we want control to come from within the child just as we want the desire to learn to come from within. It's more a matter of teaching self-discipline rather than teachers imposing discipline upon an unruly child. Within the realm of Montessori discipline, we have an innate respect for the child as a human being who is allowed to make choices - both good and bad - and offer the grace for that child to learn how to handle the consequences of those decisions. One of the basic tenants of Montessori discipline is empathy with consequences. In life, there are natural boundaries and expectations. Sometimes those boundaries and expectations can be frustrating, challenging, or make us sad. When a child encounters a boundary or expectation, we extend them the right to openly express their feelings and we empathize with their plight. As adults, we all know how it feels to be frustrated or sad or whatever. We share in the child's emotional state while still enforcing the boundary or expectation. Montessori discipline is often prefaced by statements like:
- I understand how frustrating that must be.
- That must be really disappointing.
- How sad!
- I hope that works out for you.
- What a challenge!
When was the last time you made a choice that left you feeling haggard, sad, or frustrated. As adults we are very capable of thinking through our decisions and rationally choosing the best path. Yet we still make mistakes daily that leave us disappointed in ourselves. If we, as competent human beings, make such blunders how much more so should we expect young children to do so? We simply cannot hold children to a standard that we, ourselves, cannot adhere to. It is imperative that we approach discipline with empathy and compassion bringing them as close as possible to total self-control. And see if the next generation can discover the answer to this universally unanswered question...
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